Jay Whitecotton Blog

Women on Currency.

Ok guys, if we’re going to be taken serious as a country we are going to have to design our own currency. Now (starts slideshow) I have a few ideas I’ve been kicking around for the dollar bill.


First, I think it would be absolutely bad ass to have a Pyramid based on Judaic Germania with 13 steps leading to the Light of Lucifer.

“The what now?”

Light of Lucifer, relax it’s TOTALLY not Satanic at all.

“Isn’t Lucifer the Fallen Angel? Cast out of Heaven by God?”

DUDE, It’s not about Satan – it’s about Enlightenment OK?!

(breathes deep, collects self)

Fine – if you’re gonna be a big pussy about it – we’ll write ‘In God We Trust’, SO THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO CONFUSION AT ALL. (pauses with long hard look)


Here we have the All Seeing Eye of Horace, the Egyptian Sun God…

“Sun God?!”

Yeah Sun God, try to keep up James – we’re going to place it at the top of the Pyramid. This will serve as an allegory for both attaining Enlightenment as well as avoid any pesky trademark laws or creative licensing issues.


Now – over here we have a fierce as fuck Warrior Eagle complete with armored Shield. In his talons he’ll be clutching both war signifying arrows AND peace signifying olive branches…




For a little panache we’re going to etch in some Latin phrases.

“Like Harry Potter spells?”

Yeah, they sound super cool and authoritative.

“Wouldn’t this confuse people who think English should be our official language?”

Are you retarded?! Why would we designate an official language when everybody speaks like three or four already? Remember, the whole reason we pushed for Revolution was so that future generations can embrace the Age of Enlightenment, NOT for closing doors on other forms of communication. (chuckles) I sincerely doubt this is EVER going to be an issue.


Bringing it all together I want a vast network of Spiderwebs and (turns aside) WHAT?

“I’m afraid of Spiders.”

Fuck you Spiders are rad! They’re a confused species that do so much for pest control. Without Spiders our crops would be devoured by insects and the world would be in famine!

“I still find them creepy.”

I’m not losing the Spiderwebs James! How about this, the whole bill will be the calming color of green. Does that please his ‘Majesty’?


Now for the back of the bill…

“I thought this was the back?”

Why would I put all the COOL shit on the BACK? This is clearly the front – again – on the BACK of the bill… I… I really don’t have much, some dude portraits maybe?

“Who do you have in mind?”

I dunno, I really blew my wad with the Satanic Spiderweb shit… How about this. Lets honor some of the peeps who helped get us to where we are today. Specifically those who would absolutely be opposed to a separate Federal Reserve controlling our national currency and interest rates. SO THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO CONFUSION AT ALL.

“What about women? Can we put women on there?”

Women? (long hard pause) What are ya, some kinda FAG?!

“No! God no.. it’s just that, it all seems kind of like a sausage fest. People might get the wrong idea and think we’re not into chicks.”

That will never happen! I mean why else do you think we wear all these manly wigs, powdered makeup, frilly shirts, and tight form fitting leggings?


Fly it or Fuck it – just admit where it’s from

(Dictated to Leon Redbone on a hot porch)

Whether its on the hood of a car, raised on government property, or sold in a Wal-Mart – all worthy arguments – my hugest peeve with the issue is the undying ignorance as to what this flag has always represented. You can tuck yourself at night in your confederate blankie, say a prayer to the Lord of State’s Rights, and dream of Briar Rabbit “zippity do dahing” his way thru rural Georgia all you like – just have the balls to admit the Confederate Flag is a symbol established around the right for the South to own slaves’. That’s it. Raise it, love it, fuck it – just admit that the flag was inspired and designed by some white people who went to war – to own black people.

Now – Can you find a black guy raising the flag? Of course – it’s the internet. Look up “Two girls, One cup” and champion that shit eating as well. Just please agree to the historically documented in their own hand writing fact – that – the South went to war primarily to own black people (the foundation of their economy) and that the Dixie Flag – was created on that Southern belief.

Now I get that the flag looks cool as shit esthetically. I get that it symbolizes open rebellion and Lynyrd Skynyrd ballads to some of you and for the most part, you probably grew up blue collar and don’t really harbor intense hatred towards people of color. You probably resent the accusations that you had it easy growing up and that you’re just a “racist” because you didn’t hug a Crip or Blood (nobody loves being stereotyped, yeah?) – all fine and worthy conversations to get into aside –
I also get that there were multiple flags adopted by the Confederate States and over the course of war – all went thru their own changes. The ‘stainless banner’ being the second to fly for the south and the first to utilize the rebel flag design we know today – itself morphed from the various battle flags (the familiar X design commonly mistaken for the ‘stars and bars’) in that war.

But please at least accept the universal truth – that the rebellion that flag was sewn to represent started – so black people could be slaves. That its designer made it to symbolize white superiority. How do I know this? BECAUSE THEY WROTE IT THE FUCK DOWN THEMSELVES YA BLIND LOYALIST SILLYBILLIES.

Now understand that if you were to flaunt the Confederate Flag as just a symbol of pride, anti-authority, kickin’ ass and NOT about a war over racial superiority – the spirits of Jefferson Davis, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and William Porcher Miles (the man who helped create the design that would be used as a battle flag and then eventually become the rebel flag we know it as today) – would take it back from you and call you a ‘nigger lover’.

It’s that simple dummy.

Now for everyone else who gets facts and basic reasoning skills please help guide our proud rebellious brothers and sisters who continue to be blinded by a symbol they refuse to see as anything other than its intended representation.
Understand that they’re already dealing with the loss of their precious ‘n-word’ and feel like they’re once again losing something that they felt was deeply apart of their established heritage.

Help them by celebrating the many heroic deeds of southern white people who fought and lost their lives against that ‘peculiar institution’. Beautiful, kind white southern men and women who stood up against clear racial prejudice, murder and injustice – EVEN WHEN IT WORKED TO THEIR ADVANTAGE – so that others less fortunate and less pale could have a chance at a better life. A chance at equality. A chance to be a citizen of this unified country. Free of bondage and racial superiority complexes!

Personally I don’t know who they are myself – haven’t seen that movie – but I’m sure there’s a few out there? Not just a bunch of millennial keyboard warriors adopting activism as a fad so they can appear heroic on social media while doing nothing about it in real life…

American End Game

“There are too many divisive issues today.

Combined with the advent of social media, we are in the golden age of unreasonable dialogue as people line up behind their prospective hashtags to wage flame wars at one another.

Flames fanned by a media gorging itself on selling ad space.

Logic seems lost as our passions continue to rise.

Just what is the end game here?

Take the issue of Drone Warfare.

For years these Peacemongers have been quite vocal against American troops being sent to die overseas for our ‘corporate masters’.

Then – when we finally address this ‘concern’, they have the NERVE to bitch about drone warfare ‘killing a few innocents’.

Sorry Doctors!

Maybe that’s why we have ‘borders’.

Just a bunch of entitled bull hockey.

If there was a National Draft nobody on either side of the political spectrum would be against drone warfare.

It be as much a non-issue as abortion in a world where men could get pregnant.

Standing on the front lines and given the choice, even the staunchest of hippies would be like: “Hey! General Baby Killer…. does this Drone use an Xbox or Playstation controller?”

All you Peaceholes need to lower your expectations.

I mean really, what do you expect the military industrial complex to do?

NOT kill people?

Yeah ok, maybe in a perfect world.

Grow up!

Some people have to die.

This singular knowledge has been the only thing that has stopped me from entering that ?#?BlackLivesMatter? vs. ?#?AllLivesMatter? debate.

The fact is – some lives – really don’t matter.

There is 7 Billion people alive today, are you really going to tell me they all have value?

We only have so many resources to spare.

Some people got to go.

Once you accept that, it really just comes down to a question of ‘who matters more’.

Just what is the value of 7 Billion people to an American?

Let’s look at the numbers.

Currently we are the number ONE military power in the world (USA! USA! USA!).

We spend more on Defense than the next SEVEN countries combined.

$610 Billion Dollars to be exact.

That’s $0.85 cents we’ve invested to kill every human being on the planet.

Not that we’d be so monstrous.

It’s idiotic to think we’d seek to kill everyone on this formerly green Earth.

For example, we wouldn’t campaign to kill Americans.

That would both be psychotic and do very poorly at the polls.

Let’s get serious.

320 million American lives would be automatically saved from this Death Budget. (USA! USA! USA!)

What about the 10 million illegal immigrants living in this country, you ask?

No problem.

We save them to.

This will appease all those libtards and DREAM-acters who otherwise might oppose the current Death Budget.

Its just good politics for us to come clean and admit the whole issue of illegal immigration has been a distraction.

We all know we need our illegals to … well, come clean.

This concession will help show our willingness for bipartisanship.

Now – that gives us roughly 330 million people not killed, subtracted from 7 billion bringing us to 6,670,000,000 poor souls we can get rid of for around $0.91 cents a dead person.

$0.91 cents – seems annoying.

I mean do we really need to dip in the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ jar just to kill 6.7 Billion lives?

For round numbers sake – we can afford to not kill (or ‘save’ for you bleeding hearts) 60 million people.

This gives us a nice round, generous 400 million lives to put aside.

That’s a lot of lives to consider.

Just who will be these lucky people?

Great Britain, our closest ally, sits at around 65 million.

Sorry Mum… 5 million too many.

The last thing we need is long debates on who gets to live or die across the pond, holding up our Death March.

(We all know the easy answer is get rid of Wales. Especially sense ‘Save the Whales’ has already been taken. THEY’D BE SITTING DUCKS!)

The fact is we’ll have to dump all our fine pasty friends to the east.

If only for the simple truth that Great Britain is just made up of a bunch of ‘Almost Americans’.

I have a better answer.

After only a few minutes on Google, I discovered that there are exactly 60 million refugees fleeing their own respected countries.


We’ll save them.

It’ll make for a good meme plus we’ll need that cheap overseas labor to manufacture all our stuff.

That brings us to a nice round number of 400 Million people.

So realistically – for the low, low price of one dollar – we can kill everyone who isn’t American while saving the necessary illegal aliens and heartwarming refugees we’ll need to feel like the heroes our patriotic songs say we are.

An absolute value!

I know, Genocide at the Dollar Store?

Well, have you ever been in a dollar store?

You show me the difference.

This may all seem crazy and irrational at first, but we’ll actually save money doing this.

I can prove it.

How often have you heard that guilt trip ‘for the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could help save a life’?

What they don’t mention is just how fucking pricey the average Starbucks grande costs these days.

Well my friend, for the one time price of 1 dollar per person out of our current Defense spending, you can kill everyone not useful to the emotional needs of the US of A.

An undeniable bargain!

A bargain even the Jew-run Media will appreciate.

NOBODY understands both genocide and a good deal better than the Jews.

Now, my friends – with all that said, can you honestly sit there and tell me Donald Trump isn’t the man who can get this done?”

– Donald Trump, 2016 (dictated not read)

Mock the Vote

When you vote for a president you are not just voting for him, you are voting for an entire cabinet of people whom you most likely know nothing about.

An entire cabinet of people given positions by an elected person to pick the people he thinks should be in charge of your everyday life.

From Secretary of State to Secretary of Agriculture, Transportation, Homeland Security, Education, Defense, Energy, Environment the list goes on..

Most of these people have been trading positions for years no matter who was in charge. They are the system that’s been in place regardless of who we dictate President.

You have relatively no control over this and frankly most of you ‘Rock the Voters’ don’t even care to comprehend it.

Most voters are no different than Christians proclaiming their devout faith all year long while only going to church on Christmas – if even that.


But unlike those hypocrites, Voters wait every four years to wave their “patriotic duty”. That’s not being a patriot, that’s being full of shit – and condemning anyone who doesn’t ‘lemming march’ along with you as being ‘un-American’ – well that just makes you straight up garbage.

America is a Wal-Mart.

And we vote for who we want to greet us at the door.

To make us FEEL like we’re making smart purchases.

This so we can ignore the fact that nobody inside is getting paid that well, the health insurance plan sucks, and the guy doing a lot of the heavy lifting is looked down upon because he doesn’t know English.

Most everything there is made of crap, but we name brand it all ‘Puritan’ and ‘Faded Glory’ to help feel like buying Chinese shit is a source of Nationalistic pride.

The food is chemical and non nutritious, and what food that is nutritious costs too much.

There’s a creepy guy hangin’ out in women’s negligee and for some reason they felt it was appropriate to put the Miller Light display next to the baby toys.

A sea of self checkout lanes militarily stand in formation, but they’re all mostly out of work so you have to go through lane 2 with the disinterested slow cashier.

They have security tags on everything, security cameras watching everyone, and a security guard driving a little cart outside,


Every aisle you shop is a reminder that you should be happy and grateful. Empty yellow happy faces espousing ‘ROLLBACK’ while softly you feel the faint pressures of being barebacked.

When you do eventually leave the store worn down from cheap fluorescent lights, the general nausea of roaming, carrying SIX carts of bullshit when all you originally wanted was toothpaste –

You’re only thanked and encouraged to come back by the very person you voted to greet you in the first place.

You dutiful pack your stuff into the car, stew in a little shoppers remorse, and try to justify it all. Some of you even promise never to buy bullshit ever again.

But you do. Every single time.

Just so long as someone is there to smile and greet you, make you feel special.

Isn’t that what we’ve been buying all along?

Too Soon or Einstein’s Theory of Relative Coward Pussy

No one here is a good person.

No one here is without some sort of hypocrisy. Faster and faster we are going down the rabbit hole of social outrage – it’s just that in this case – the rabbit hole is up our own collective asses.

There is no such thing as ‘too soon’. No amount of time can lessen your emotional reaction.

Especially if you’re the supremely empathic pronoun you insufferably insist to be.

There is no ‘Comedy Clock’. No universal unit of ‘Joke Time’. Humor and the concept of ‘Too Soon’ doesn’t operate on Einstein’s Theory of Relative Coward Pussy.

Check my privilege? Check your hypocrisy.

Especially people mad at jokes considered “too soon” and in “poor taste” – who were JUST celebrating Charlie Hebdo as “courageous” months ago.

And also you – the people pissing on the French flag filter as “bullshit because the company didn’t manufacture the feelz over Beirut, Syria, Africa or any other country that didn’t send us a Statue honoring Liberty or supplied an army and resources during our own revolution… Yes, fuck you people too.

Our obsession with identity politics has painted us in different corners of the same house, unable to communicate more than shrieking at each other across the dripping pool and stink of social media.

Yes – most of these people’s attempts at humor are an absolute atrocity. No one is defending their ‘quality’.

But shouldn’t you be defending their right to be said? Or did you already forget your saccharine ‘Veteran’s Day’ shout outs from just a few days ago.

For the record – I think these jokes are in bad taste too.

I also think your ability to point out how bodies blown up in the name of Islam isn’t actually Islam – it’s radical Islam – then immediately posting videos of shitty cops abusing their power with your own headline “FUCK ALL COPS! SHOOT THEM ALL!”

Is just as much in poor taste as these jokes.

Either way, so what? Facebook likes and shares don’t equate change or value. Even this post I write knowing it will be forgotten in a week or dismissed as TL/DR (because what’s the value of reading, right?!).

Maybe you should try getting your hands dirty. Do something about it for once. Stand up and follow through on your convictions.

You know – like Isis.

Bloodthirsty extremist cunts that they are – they definitely posses some follow through.

What are you doing, judging shitty jokes?!

Well at least Comedians do it through jokes. Our bombs are only self inflicted and you can easily unfollow their explosions.

Keep in mind for every ten to a thousand bombs, someone writes the perfect joke – and that’s worth suffering some bad taste for, isn’t it?

Maybe we can try to all just live our lives and stop stepping over our own feet to be publicly ‘right’. Maybe we can allow ourselves a few wrongs in an effort to do some actual growth.

Maybe we can try leading ourselves first before amassing some retarded Twitter army pushing an agenda of insubstantial change.

Maybe there’s both a way to respond to violence with peace and kindness, while also recognizing some cunts need to be drone bombed to whatever hell they’re willing to believe in.

Maybe we can accept and celebrate bad tasteless humor for what it is, while not ignoring the disadvantaged and underprivileged living in our own back yards.

Maybe it’s ok to not give a shit about the Sudan and worry about the rent or the final score of some sports game or whatever.

Maybe we can have our freedom and eat it too? I don’t know. I’m still growing and striving to make new mistakes.

That all said – here’s the box score for Friday the 13th’s Soccer Match.

France – 2
Germany – 0
Isis – 129 and counting…

Viva le France

Is It Safe?

“Is the show safe for Christians?”

It’s kinda Blue.

“I don’t know what that means.”

It’s mature. Rated R.

“Oh… Has anyone ever died eating your food?”

What? No! – I’m pretty sure…(shakes head vigorously) Wait – how is THAT not your first question?!

“We’ll take two tickets, get wasted on Appletinis for an hour, attack your feature comedian by aggressively yelling ‘THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN!’ in between bouts of scream hissing and holding our hands up to answer every rhetorical question, please.”

Sure, that’ll be $32… Would you like to upgrade to ‘Comedian goes back to hotel alone after his set and questions his entire life’s purpose while binge eating bad oatmeal cookies for dinner’? Its free of charge.

“We insist. It’s our ANNIVERSARY!!!”

Second Show Friday

“Second show Friday.”

Legend has it – this is how Steve Martin answered the question ‘Why don’t you do standup anymore?’

This never quite hit home to me until late last night when I walked on stage and immediately saw a woman buried in her husbands chest, fast asleep.

Most acts wouldn’t put up with that. Most acts would yell “MY ART!” and launch into a furious tirade to ramp the audience up.

But not yer pal Ol’ Whitecotton!

As luck had it, the mall I was performing in had an emoji pillow kiosk where just 30 minutes before I had purchased the Poop Emoji Themed Stuffer .

I asked the manager to grab it from the green room, he laughingly obliged, then gently used it to tuck her comfortably in amongst the front row.

From then on I proceeded to do my act in a desperate whisper, hushing the crowd at every burst of laughter as if in fear of waking a newborn baby.

Now a lotta acts would use this opportunity to post grand hyperbolic statements like ‘Last night I killed!’ or ‘AMAZEBALLS show! So many new FANS!’

But not yer pal Ol’ Whitecotton.

Last night I tucked in a sleeping woman with a poop shaped pillow, front row, left of center and for the first time – literally lived the dream!

I can’t wait to wake up.

“That’s what I’m Asking!”

“Women getting ABORTIONS should be SHOT!”

But what about the baby?


Wouldn’t shooting pregnant women also kill the baby you are trying to protect?

“I don’t care about that baby, abortion is murder and murder is a sin!”

What about denying help to the refugees?

“I don’t care about refugees, charity begins at home!”

What about people without homes?

“I don’t care about the Homeless, God helps those who help themselves!”

What about the Black Lives Matter protestors getting shot by cops?

“I don’t care about Black Lives Matter, ALL lives matter!”

So what about women getting abortions?

“Women getting ABORTIONS should be SHOT!”

Who’s on first?


Second Base.

San Antonio Fuckers

The comics sat in the green room. I leaned by the door. All Hispanic comics. Stroking each other’s egos while debating whether or not to call themselves Latin, Chicano, or Hispanic acts. They all agreed that they wanted to be thought of as just comedians. The unspoken conversation was that they all figured having a target demographic would just wipe that slate clean. Shades of White as the cliché goes.

You just don’t get it, Fucker.

“Hey this guy!” pointing at me. “This guy should call himself a ‘Comodian’.” Toilet pun. Everyone laughed. He’d say it again anytime my name was brought up. Same fake laugh. He booked a room or something.

“You’re like the Token white guy, tonight!” To me. Same round of fake laughs. I heard that joke twice a week. It was San Antonio 2008.

“The ‘Comodian’ is up next. Don’t fuck it up, Fucker.”

I throw my set in the trash.

The host looks sideways as I creep towards the edge of the stage.

“Ok! You fuckers ready to laugh!?”

And I’m the ‘Comodian’?

“All the way from the Mexican part of San Antonio (pause) San Antonio! Give it up for…oh man THAT’S RACIST… Jay Whitecotton!”

I thank him. Tap into the mic. Blow into it. Works.

“Hey, so that Selena was a whore… THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!” Big wave.

Back in the green room the booker looks concerned.

“Hey Bro, man you know I think you’re funny man, but damn Bro – you got to know your audience. You’re too edgy, got to talk about stuff they can relate too.”

I look around the Mexican Restaurant as thirty-two people stare blankly then cheer when they hear the word ‘fucker’. I stare at the wordy sign advertising someone’s little league, serving as the back drop and grimace as the host dances his way through that entire Los Lonely Boys song.

“They never heard of Selena?”

Blank stares all around.

“Dude… I’m going to show you how it’s done.” Grabs a newspaper. “I’m going to read the news and do my whole set based on what I read!”

A part of me fantasized that he carried an old, out of date paper, immediately reads about 9/11 and loses his shit in front of the crowd. As if it was his first time hearing about that tragedy. Didn’t even know what 9/11 was about until that exact moment on stage. In a Taqueria. In 2008.

“How did I not hear about this?!

You think someone would’ve told me!

BOTH towers?!

This is the worst thing ever, Fuckers!

Terrorists based out of Afghanistan?

We should immediately invade Iraq!”

Instead he just read an obituary and Marmaduke captions, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.

The fajitas were good.

9/4/14 – Joan Rivers and the Public Death

Seeing a lot of posts about how people are expressing themselves over the death of Joan Rivers. Pointing out that it’s kind of selfish of random people to post about insignificant moments or brief interactions they may of had with her. (Most likely just Robin Williams backlash) Maybe even change their pictures to photos they snagged with her from some random party or street encounter.

My knee jerk reaction is to agree. Assume people are only doing it to make themselves seem bigger in the public eye, but even if that is the case, I’m not going to knock it.

What nags at me is the fact that the people who are addressing this are themselves trying to reach some sort of impact in the public arena. Mostly comics, musicians, and actors all slutting their way to some sort of public notoriety.

To admonish widespread attention to the death of a public figure no matter how trivial the validation seems hypocritical and just as whoreish as the ‘offenders’ they proclaim to admonish.

You’re not ‘speaking the truth’ at this point, your brandishing your ego like the baton of a band leader marching against the parade route – forcing the attention back upon you. The fact that the parade was marching towards their own false validation doesn’t make your own attempt for the same any more legit.

Death in and of itself – only serves the living. It is of no value to the deceased because – they – are fucking dead. The whole point of someone’s end is the affect they have on those that were apart of their life. Death defines and is for the Living.

The whole point is to be affected. For existence to have identity, it needs death and more importantly – it needs to form some sort of connection to it beyond the physical. It deserves reflection from the most relevant all the way down to the irrelevant.

If some reflection offends you that is fine, but stop pretending Social Media represents all your closest connections. This is not your world. That world exists when you log off and actually connect to the people in your own actual life (and even then – it’s not your world). An act that increasingly becomes harder and harder to do as we retreat into the easiness of our profile pages.

You want fans, you want attention, you want to affect people, but you don’t want to do any actual real work like active involvement or even the slightest superficial amount of empathy. You want to be offended because to take offense makes you feel like you have taken a stand for something.

Gives you all the feelings of meaning without any of the repercussions or responsibility of standing up for your beliefs.

Let the Dead define the individual however they see fit. The fact that people all over are even slightly affected by just one person they may have never met is amazing and a testament to their life’s work. To admonish the slightest and even the most insignificant of all of this is both arrogant and a slight against the very person you claim to defend.

Especially when you seek and beg for the same sort of affect in your own life.

Joan Rivers was one of the biggest fame whores in the fucking world and now she’s a bloating corpse rotting away. She lived an amazing life and affected people, period. Let them express it how they may. Log off and go practice being a person for once instead of some meme shill promoting every aspect of your life as ‘the art’.

Then – when you die (yes – that is going to happen) you’ll have the good fortune to gift the masses with their own reflections of mortality. The one thing even more valuable than the gift of laughter. You’ll probably smile, knowing that as far away as India, a couple hears of your passing and remembers when they saw you eat a meatball sub and told that boring ass story to anybody and everybody they could.

They’ll say ‘how sad’ and go out for a meatball sub and think about where their own life is headed. That would absolutely thrill you wouldn’t it? I know it would Joan Rivers.

Unfortunately she’s fucking dead and isn’t feeling anything ever again. Ever. Kaput. So put down the Baton, sit down and think for once you cunts.

You can always rejoin the parade any time you like. It’s endless.